Toro Y Moi Saved My Life, Like Actually

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All hail the pioneer of chillwave. I remember seeing this dude perform at 2011’s Pitchfork right after my near-death experience. I guess I can’t just announce a near-death experience without going into detail now can I? Well…

My buddy Clay and I decided that it would somehow be an amazing idea to go to see Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All when they came to Pitchfork Music Festival in 2011. For some reason we thought it would be an even better idea to be front row. Worst decision of my life. So Clay, his girlfriend Izzi, and myself ran to the front of the stage right when the gates opened and sat in the blazing sun for five hours sweating our asses off. That part wasn’t too bad on account of the endless amount of secondhand weed smoke that ventilated into my nostrils and the opening band, Yuck, that performed. Let me just make it clear that all Odd Future fans are terrible, terrible people: Yuck played a truly sensational set but it was completely drowned out by the unending shouts including, but not limited to, “GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS!” and “YOU FUCKING SUCK! BRING OUT ODD FUTURE!” I honestly felt so bad for them, but hey I was there for OF too…

So finally, OFWGKTA gets on stage, and immediately the mood goes from utter anticipation to indescribable horror. The manly men previously yelling at Yuck transformed into four year old girls within the first 30 seconds. There was no longer a such creation of oxygen; the only substance that my mouth could fathom was the taste of other people’s armpits. Pretty appetizing, yeah? Somehow, I managed to lift my head up from the abyss of death and what do I see? Clay’s girlfriend being crowd-surfed out…gushing blood…from her face. After this, and the fact that my ribs have been crushed against the front row gate for the past seven songs, nothing could get worse, can it? Obviously I was wrong. No longer on my own two feet, I am dragged into the middle of a death trap: a monstrous moshpit full of long-haired, punk-rock adults trying to take my head off. Cool. And even better, do you know what song was playing at the time? Radicals. Ya’ know, the one where the chorus is “Kill people, burn shit, fuck school.” Yeah, that song…

Finally over, I leave the battleground beat up, bloody, and half-conscious. I stumble around the entire perimeter of Union Park where I eventually meet back up with Clay and Izzi. We find a spot in the grass and after closing my eyes for a few moments, I see God for the first time in my life. Instead of following the unconscious white-light, he orders me to open my eyes and look on stage. There he is, a Blasian man wearing obnoxiously hipster prescription glasses, creating the most wonderful and holy music that I have ever witnessed in my life. Thank you, Based Toro.

Because of Toro Y Moi, I am here today. I don’t think that I would have made it without him. You too should find faith, and use “So Many Details” as your bible; you will thank me.

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